Mmm.. hello brain.
So ever since the first time i was legitly broken (my non-gay term for heartbroken) it took hella long to pick up the pieces, with the love and support of my sisters and family, and get to a point of independence and (i guess you can say) bitchiness, which i pride myself of today.
I was 14 when i met a boy who took my heart. within a matter of 4ish years, he took care of it, loved it back, then decided to put it in a blender. i’m obviously against being all gay and mushy and shit, but i seriously felt empty. like a bigass hole in my tummy that burned at the edges and kept growing at every memory, every thought, every location, smell, word that correlated to him.
as you can imagine, it took ALOT to get over it. yes, rebounds were necessary. there was one point in my life, not too long ago (very recent actually), when i was TOO pathetic. i felt like i needed this guy, who gave me ABSOLUTELY nothing. ok ok, to be fair, i was actually blessed to meet him bc he did play a part in my relationship with GOD so i do appreciate him for that. but relationship-wise, the whole thing was NOT a good look. i actually LOST alot: confidence, independence, MONEY! omg. there was one night where i was literally BAWLING bc he wouldnt talk to me one night. (i think we were fighting). what hit most was the fact that he EXPECTED me to change in some sort of way, like he was waiting for some sign from me, before he would treat me in anyway that i want, DESERVED, to be treated. (if you dont know, i’m a mercygirl. so i basically demand to be treated like a fat spoiled brat.) how low can you get? so it took a while for me to wake the fuck up and realize that i deserve more. i work my ass of in school, love and respect everyone who comes into my life, and i DID NOT need that negativity in my life. esp if you’re gon degrade what i’m worth. talk about hitting rock bottom..
so to get to the point, going back to the mercygirl thing, i’ve always KNOWN that a girl should be treated a certain way. we need to be SPOILED. not even being big headed, but honestly tho. at this age, if a guy is trying to (getting oldschool on ya) COURT you, date you, whatever, he should be picking you up, taking you out, spending money on you, taking care of you, etc. it seriously SHOULD NOT be the other way around. yeah, new age, new era, WHATEVER. you should know YOUR WORTH and not settle for anything less. the money thing, well.. i personally dont like when a guy spends money on me, unless we’re at a point where its like “my money is your money” type thing bc we’re that deep. but i do expect that he cares enough to make time for me.
so at this point, i’m living life, loving being single, and just focusing on my education and my future. and honestly, at this age, i believe that what we’re supposed to be focusing on. all the highschool boy drama is SO not necessary. i’m a FIRM believer of “a relationship should only make your life happier.” how are you gon claim to be in love and shit when you fighting and crying all the damn time? we’re at a point in our lives where our decisions really affect our careers and the rest of our lives. so being single is a blessing. i’m back to my nose in the air, stuck up, arrogant self where i care about no one but myself. and please believe i love this feeling. but like everything in life, it comes with pros and cons.
yes, i’m happy. i dont need anyone but myself, my family, and OUR LORD to be not just content, but seriously HAPPY with my life. i cant complain about anything. GOD has blessed me with a loving and supportive family, and GREAT education, and the potential to do really well in life. but, having been in love before, that urge to be in love again still haunts me. i KNOW i dont NEED anyone, but having someone there is never a bad thing, right? but bc ive been broken to the point to pathetic, ive grown skin sooo fckn tough, its no joke. its hard to feel anything more than the superficial “like.” not gonna lie, its even hard to say i’m sprung. only bc i know what (in terms of a relationship) good is, and i know what bad is. with the experience i have, the knowledge i’ve gained, its a blessing and a curse at the same time.
but this one.. idk. i like the feeling he give me. feels.. safe. i promised myself i wouldnt be in an exclusive relationship until i love the person. but i’m kinda scared that i just wont allow myself to love again bc i’m too fckn proud to let anyone get too close. i KNOW that if you’re in love, you’ll know. you’l feel it. but what if i cant bc ive built this wall to protect me from being broken again. being broken hurt. alot. been thru it once and not down to do it again. but i dont wanna die knowing i wouldnt allow myself to love. bc love just makes your life complete.
the end<3.
